Wounded or Refined

Sometimes life feels like a great battlefield and all you can see are the wounded, the destruction, the hopelessness, but today I am reminded that in the midst of that great battlefield there are areas that are left undamaged and are flourishing beautifully.

In every moment of every day we have a choice.  We can either see the destruction or the growth.  We can either see people as wounded or refined.  And the other choice we have is to see both.

At times in my life all I could see was the destruction and devastation.  I didn't look for the beauty that would rise up out of it.  At times in my life I have seen only the wounds and scars on a person's life and missed their refinement to become like Jesus.

Isaiah 61:1-3 has become one of my favorite passages over the last year because it shows both perspectives.  It is important to see the ashes, but always look for the crown of beauty to follow.

Isaiah 61:1-3New International Version (NIV)

The Year of the Lord’s Favor
61 The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
    because the Lord has anointed me
    to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
    to proclaim freedom for the captives
    and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
    and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
3     and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
    instead of ashes,
the oil of joy
    instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
    instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
    a planting of the Lord
    for the display of his splendor.

"She Is In Critical, Critical Condition"

I woke up early Monday morning to meet my daughter for coffee and pick up my granddaughter for the day.  I didn't bother to take a shower or anything because I was just going to come back home.   While I was waiting, the senior living facility where my mom lives called me.  You know it probably isn't good news when they call you at 7:30 in the morning.

The conversation started with, "Deana, we found your mom unconscious in the shower this morning. Her body was covering the drain and she was face down in the water."  Then I heard, "Hello, this is EMS.  We are with your mother and we have a good team of people working on her.  Do we have your permission to put in a ventilator?  She is in critical, critical condition."  

I told them, "Of course they could."  By this time I was starting to shake because I couldn't believe mom was drowning in a shower.  EMS asked me what hospital she preferred.  I told them and they said, "Oh no mam, she has to go to a trauma center."

I called Bill because I couldn't think straight at this point.  I needed to wait for my granddaughter but I wondered if I only had a few minutes to see my mom alive.  I told myself to take a few minutes to calm down.  I kept thinking, "Mom will be so upset with me if I have an accident on the way over."

When I arrived at the ER I was greeted with, "We don't know how long she was without oxygen."  All kinds of scenarios were playing in my head.  I was thinking through her directives in my mind.  Do I really remember all of her wishes depending on different scenarios?  I could need to give a  decision at any moment.  I thought I knew her wishes but I contacted my friends to see if they could go in my house and e-mail me a copy of her directives.  There were so many decisions to be made.  The nurses had all kinds of questions for me to answer.  I kept trying to push away the memories of other traumas we had experienced at this hospital in the past.

I was so thankful to have Bill by my side taking phone calls, answering texts, and listening to reports.  Soon my oldest brother and my sister-in-law arrived.  I was so thankful to have them and their input.  One of their dear friends, a nurse, was there as well.  She was invaluable in helping me understand what was going on.

Four days ago I was looking at my mom who was unresponsive, on a ventilator, with signs of a possible hear attack, water in her lungs, an infection, and blood pouring out her ear.  Now she is out of ICU and only has a few bruises and a ruptured eardrum!  Unbelievable!

Today I questioned if I made it worse than it really was. I was recently told by one of the first responders, however, they thought Mom had died.  The police were on the scene and so was the coroner.  

So, why do I share this on a special needs blog?  I think it is relatable for a number of reasons.  I have learned invaluable lessons from the last four days.

• Never take your loved ones for granted!  They can be gone in a five minute phone call.
• Many of us keep the suffering some families affected by disabilities endure at arm's length.  If it is too close to us, we have to walk through the suffering with them and we have to acknowledge that at any moment, it could be a challenge in our lives.  Embrace them.  Love them.
• We can't be afraid of discussing and putting our affairs (and those of our parent's) in order.  It is hard to talk about, but once we have them in order, we can all take a sigh of relief.  
• Never take any day for granted.  We don't know how many we have.
• When things get tough, hold on to Jesus even tighter!

I am so grateful for the staff at Highland Estates.  They saved my mother's life.  I am thankful for the drops of water leaking from my mom's floor through the ceiling below.  She would have died if no one had reported them.  I am thankful for EMS and the great lengths and sacrifices they make to save someone's life.  I am thankful for Momma and that I can still see her... listen to her...be with her.  Most of all, I am thankful for God who remains by my side no matter how hard the trial is ahead of me.

We are excited about going to Denver ("home") to share our love and passion, disability ministry.  We would love to have you join us! Please visit our website, www.gracewithoutmargins.com to learn more about the training and register.  We would love to have you join us!

                                 

In The Margins

Life in the margins.  I don't even begin to think that I can truly understand the pain of being in the margins as someone with a disability, as someone that has a past that continues to follow them, or as someone that is labeled as different than the current perception of perfection.  I do, however, know the loneliness of the margins of my own particular story.

The fabric was corduroy and it was lined with another fabric.  It was big.  It was bulky.  It was heavy but that was what I chose to wear at school everyday because it was big enough to hide behind.  I had a wonderful childhood.  My mother encouraged me to believe in myself and know I had the ability to accomplish whatever I wanted.  My father gave me the fairy tale relationship that every little girl dreams of...he treated me like a princess and told me I was beautiful on a daily basis.  Those were beautiful relationships but there was a time in my life that I let the voices outside my home be louder and I found safety behind a big bulky coat.

In the dark trials of my life, the margins I lived in seemed wider and farther away from the center of life.  I lived in those margins because I wanted to be in control of other people's perceptions of me.  I didn't want to burden anyone and I guess I knew that eventually those trials would come to a close.  The margins would narrow until I was in the mainstream again.

I am grateful for the "margin healers" that would wander onto my path.  To the third grade teacher that got me out of that silly coat, I am forever grateful.  In fact I looked her up 35 years later and drove to Dallas to thank her.

I am also thankful for the few people I have let into my struggles.  They walked the margins with me because they were going through their own pain, or in some way, were familiar with the walk of the margins.

I have been working on a training in which I will share my story and I am asking dear friends of mine to share theirs as well.  At times I feel like I am being unfair to myself and to them, yet it is in the margins of our own story that we can truly rely on and grow in our faith.

The other day I asked my sweet little grandson if he has asked Jesus to live in his heart and he said, "Oh yes!"  He then asked how you get someone else to want Jesus to live in theirs.  I told him to pray every day for them and to keep walking the road he is on.  People will see your faith.  People will see your joy.  You just have to keep walking and always be ready to stop and listen.

At different times in our lives we may find ourselves in the margins, sometimes because we have chosen to be there, sometimes to be a "margin healer" and sometimes to be reminded of where we  came from.  The loneliness of the margins can also be healing...like sitting on the rocks and watching the ocean waves come in.  It is there that you can see the wonder and the power of God.

Walk The Road With Them

Oh I try not to take anything for granted but today I am especially aware of all of my blessings.  This morning I was able to hold my new grandson and just marvel at the beautiful miracle he is.  I was able to spend the afternoon and evening "walking the road" with my older grandchildren who are so precious to me.

When I was a little girl I remember going to my grandmother's house in the summer.  We would go to bed early and I would fall asleep listening to her tell me stories in bed.  We would get up early in the morning, before the sun was even up, to get ready to go to work.  My grandmother worked in a flower shop and it was an honor to get up early and go with her.

She would share so many things about life with me as we would wrap stems, arrange flowers, and help customers.  I found out many years later that she would get up even earlier than I knew about to pray for all of her children, grandchildren, and eventually, great-grandchildren.  Grandma "walked the road" with me.

I remember in high school, leaving my house just before 6:00 in the evening to meet my dad at the bus stop so I could walk the rest of the way home with him.  He would share stories with me about people with disabilities that wanted and needed jobs but employers just looked at their limitations rather than their gifts and talents.  He taught me how to come up with "reasonable accommodations" so they could be employed and share those gifts.  Dad "walked the road" with me.

I certainly tried to walk the road with my children and I enjoy it even more now having adult children.  We have so many interests and aspirations that are similar.  When I walk the road with my grandchildren it is like lying in the grass looking at the moon and the stars and dreaming of all kinds of amazing things.  I love sharing about life and people with them and seeing the legacy of their ancestors playing out in their hearts.

We have the wonderful opportunity to teach our children about love and not hate, grace and not judgment, inclusion and not separation.  All we have to do is "walk the road" with them.


Deuteronomy 6:4-9New International Version (NIV)

4 Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one.[a] 5 Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. 6 These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. 7 Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. 8 Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9 Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

Retirement

It has been a little over a month since I packed up my classroom and home for the last 11 years.  It was especially hard when I dropped by the school and saw that "The Castle Classroom" no longer exists.

Whenever I run into an old friend the first question is usually, "So, how is retirement?"  For the most part, it is wonderful!  Oh I can cry a river if I stop to think about all of the amazing kids I will miss and that I will no longer be my granddaughter's teacher.  The vacuum left in my social life is rather troubling I must say.  I have however, loved traveling to Denver, playing with my grandchildren, welcoming a new grandchild, and being able to keep my house a little cleaner.

I have also loved spending more time with God and asking more questions about what His plans are for me.  When I think about all the adventures God has sent me on in the past and the ones I can imagine for the future, it gives me shivers.  I love imagining with God.  I love trusting Him with the future because there have been times that I haven't.  I love learning new things and I love sharing my passion for such an important group of people.

Retirement...well, the very definition requires that I cease working and that is definitely not part of my plans.  God started laying out exciting opportunities within 24 hours of closing my classroom door.

I would love to walk this journey with you.  I am humbled by the possibilities but also excited about them.  I would love for you to visit our website that I have been spending my creative juices on and have you share what you feel needs to be happening in special needs education and ministry training.  We have a number of events coming up and I would love to be blessed by your ideas!  Visit us at www.gracewithoutmargins.com.  We would love to hear from you!  I will be posting training opportunities in the next couple of weeks so drop by often.

Deana

In honor of Kimberly

When you serve in ministry there are situations you know will eventually happen.  You keep them in the back of your mind but you try not to focus on them.  

Today marks a sobering reality of disability ministry, the loss of a friend affected by a disability.  We all know that 100% of us will pass from this life but it doesn't soften the blow.  This morning the realities of this life are hitting me hard as I prepare to go to a memorial service of one of the first children I came to know in special needs ministry.  It is with a heavy heart that we say good-bye today...

Even though I am sad, I am joyful about so many things.  Kimberly now knows all the mysteries of heaven. She is looking into the eyes of her Savior.  She can verbally communicate all of the scriptural truths that friends shared with her along the way.  She no longer has the fears of another seizure or the heartache of not being understood.  I know she is overflowing with joy today!

As I think about Kimberly today, I am so thankful for the multitudes of people that supported her.  Her mom and dad have been inspirational in giving Kimberly a voice.  They continually educated themselves on the best way to help her communicate and share her talents so much so that Kimberly's poems and artwork were published and her story was told.  Her story will be read and her story will be remembered.

Kimberly also had such supportive brothers and sister-in-laws.  I love reading the letters and tributes to their sister.  The depth of their love is a testimony to all of us.  Kim had numerous friends at church, at BIG, and all of the other ministries she frequented.  She had a caregiver, and more importantly friend, walk the road with her for many years.  Kimberly was loved, valued, and known.  

Kimberly Dixon's heart and talents are beautifully displayed in her book, Under the Silience is Me-How It Feels to be Nonverbal.  May the impact of her life be felt around the world today.