Tuesday, February 20, 2018

The Longevity of Letters

It has been an interesting journey the last couple of months as Bill and I have prepared classes.  It has caused me to walk the full circle of life and its losses, joys and meaning.  The mysteries of life become a little clearer once you walk right through the middle of them.

Recently I shared the book, Final Gifts, by Maggie Callahan and Patricia Kelley.  I didn't know until a couple of days ago that my dad had left a final gift.  I had already read through a box of letters Dad had saved.  I found all of the letters I had written him when I was in college.  I found the letters my oldest brother had written when he was away figuring out life and all of its complexities.  And I found a stack of letters written by a brother when he was in the Navy during Desert Storm.  I didn't read my brother's letters because they were a part of their private journey, but I hope they learned a few things about themselves after they received them.

Then a few days ago, I found another part of Dad's final gift.  I found letters he had written to his parents.  I especially love what he wrote to his dad, my grandfather, in 1960.

"The years fly by. I've gotten a lot of gray hairs already, but when those years are made up of a life well lived, one which follows the purpose of God, it is a joy to grow old. So you see, Dad, even though you are nearing fifty, it's still a wonderful life."

As I dug deeper into his old tin box I found even more treasures.  I found a letter he had written to the president of a college in 1963.  He shared his disappointment that the institution did not participate in the Day of Mourning For President John F. Kennedy.  Another letter he had written was to a small town's board of education in 1964.  The school had decided to cancel all school activities following the decision to integrate the school.  Dad knew this would only lead to more dissension.

What strikes me, is the longevity of words.  My father has been gone 16 years now.  His political activism ended before that, but his words are still here.  The words of the Gettysburg address are still ingrained in my mind from when I memorized them almost 45 years ago.  The words of Scripture I have carried with me for 55 years.

Lately I have been very discouraged.  I have looked for ways to relieve the discouragement but I have also found value in walking through it.  As I read the words of history, and read the words of one man's perception of it, I am discouraged that as a people and a nation, we are still battling the same issues.  We still battle prejudice, bigotry, marginalization, and a lack of grace.  I doubt it will end this side of heaven, but we have to keep trying.

The fallacies of history, written in words, do not have to repeat themselves, but their wisdom can guide the way to something better. When I read the historical words of how we have treated people with disabilities, they are so close I can reach back and touch them.  They were in our lifetime or at least the lifetime of our parents.

Someone once told me that gossip is like a big bag of feathers.  The bag of feathers explodes and all of those feathers are spread all over town as the wind picks them up.  Like gossip, we will never be able to gather all of those feathers again.  Especially with the capabilities of the internet, our words can spread across the world in a matter of minutes, never to be retrieved.


The words we say and the words we write have 
the potential of lasting for hundreds of years.  
May our words speak truth, love, compassion and grace.

Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Why Take A Class On Aging Parents and Loss?


Guest Blogger, Bill Boggess, 
Managing Director of Grace Without Margins

Deana and I have experienced many things in our life together. Due to our unique experiences with disabilities associated with aging and the loss of many family members, we decided to put together the seminar, Aging Parents and Loss.  The idea is to share the lessons we have learned over the years so people heading into similar situations will have some tools to work with and not have to "reinvent the wheel."

Preparing for end-of-life issues can be overwhelming.  Extending grace to yourself as a caregiver, can also be challenging.  We will be discussing guilt, forgiveness, how the grieving process plays into loss, the adjustments of acquired disabilities, and how to deal with difficult situations.

In addition, we recognize the increasing needs as the baby boomer population ages. Alzheimer and dementias are the top cause of disabilities later in life.  According to Statista (studies and statistics web site, 2015) in 2016 family caregivers provided an estimated 18.2 billion hours and 230 billion dollars to people with dementia.  We also know that approximately 10% of people 65-74 yrs old, 33% of people 75-84 yrs old will develop dementia. (Statista 2015)

Finally, nearly 25% of dementia caregivers are "sandwiched" between taking care of someone with the disease and caring for children or grandchildren.  The demands on caregivers is enormous.  We hope you will take advantage of this course and find it helpful on your journey.

Aging Parents and Loss - AUSTIN - March 3, 2018
https://www.eventbrite.com/e/aging-parents-and-loss-tickets-42617904299

Aging Loved Ones and Loss - DENVER - March 10, 2018
https://www.eventbrite.com/e/aging-loved-ones-and-loss-tickets-42796707103




Sunday, February 11, 2018

A Child's World

As a teacher I have felt as though every child has a secret little world that we should take the time to enter.  Their perceptions, their dreams, and their curiosities hold a treasure worth unlocking.  That is why I love teaching.

I have loved taking courses on education.  I have loved reading books about children.  The best way to learn about children, however, is by sitting on the floor with them, watching them play and listening to their thoughts.

A good friend shared a story with me this morning on Facebook that had another story linked to it.  It was about Iris Grace.  Iris Grace is a little girl affected by autism and she lives in a beautiful world of color and creativity.  Her parents and her friends have found a way to enter her world and what a blessing that has been.  

I have a collection of expressions of art in my home beautifully done by adults and children living with a label but blessed with a powerful gift.  I will be adding some of Iris Grace's artwork to my collection and reading her story.  I wanted to share her gift to the world with you so you can be blessed by it as well.  


Thank you, Iris Grace!  I look forward to having your artwork in my home!


Tuesday, February 6, 2018

Understanding Death

At 56 years old, I have walked through the passing of three great-grandparents, four grandparents, a father, a father-in-law, a brother and a brother-in-law and a number of friends.  I lost my last great-grandparent when I was in my early 30's.  I remember my emotions were somewhat distant because my great-grandfather was 106 when he passed.  He was old, had lived a wonderful life, and I knew he was tired, very tired.

When I started loosing my grandparents it was more personal.  I knew that I would never have that type of relationship in my life again.  I was spoiled (in a healthy way), loved on and prayed for in a different way than parents can.  They left a mark on my life that I would always carry with me.  For the first time in my life I also had to acknowledge the mortality of my parents as they would move to the top of the ancestral ladder.

The loss of a parent, however, is indescribable.  I suppose the best way I can describe it is having a large part of my heart cut out that leaves a large gaping hole.  Fifteen years have passed since I lost my father.  My faith in God and my love for my dad have allowed the regeneration of a complete heart again.  The loss of my father, as well as my father-in-law, led me to acknowledge the circle of life and all of its joys and sorrows.

Lastly, the loss of siblings was a loss I never anticipated.  It felt unfair and made me realize the fragility of life and to never take it for granted.

In the last couple of weeks I have been studying the journey of life to better understand it in its entirety.  I recently read the book, Final Gifts by Maggie Callahan and Patricia Kelley.  I heard about this book for years and I am so glad I finally read it.  It helped make the passage of this life to eternal life more normal and it answered a few questions I have had for years.

It is intriguing that the subject of death makes most of us incredibly uncomfortable.

"There's a reason for this awkwardness.  Besides the absence of easy answers to questions like the ones above, death has become remote, no longer an integral part of life, 
but a fearsome and unwelcome visitor."

Further on, it says,

Today many families don't have close, frequent, or continuous involvement with the one dying.  Unlike earlier generations, they don't learn how to be at ease with someone whose life is coming to an end.  Illness and death have been moved out of the house and into the hospital or nursing home.  Professionals provide the care; relatives and friends become spectators watching something occur-not in a continuous stream of emotions and experiences from which to learn, but in awkward chunks of time, determined by official visiting hours that leave them uncomfortable and unsatisfied.

                                                                      --Final Gifts

I observed the first portion of the book as knowledge.  I responded with a "Yes, that makes sense," but then it got personal.  All of the memories of loosing my little brother came back to me.  On that cool fall day, ten days before I would turn 50, I sat by his bedside.  I was both mystified and grateful.

Larry had been battling a number of health challenges but it was renal cancer that would claim his life.  His final days came upon us like a thief in the night but as his passing approached, he gave us a precious, final gift.

Larry's eyes were open but he didn't look at us, he looked past us.  He would often put his hands in the air as if trying to take hold of something and then he said, "Hi Dad!"  I cannot remember his exact words but he told Dad it wasn't time yet and he would see him in a few days.  He also told us that Dad's knees were fixed and he looked great.

Those moments were mystifying because we couldn't see what Larry was seeing, yet we knew it was a glimpse into heaven.  I was grateful that Dad felt closer in those moments and grateful that Larry was going to be embraced on the other side, by not only his heavenly Father, but his earthly father as well.

I have respected the ministry of those that work in hospice care for years, but now more than ever, I see the value of it.  As Bill and I have met with people walking through the journey of aging parents, we have experienced some commonalities in the conversations we have had.  The surprises and difficulties of aging parents is not that different from becoming parents.  We don't really know what we are doing. Education through classes, seminars, books, and conversations with people farther along on the journey are our best allies.

I realize that this post has been heavy, but it is a part of life that we "have to walk right through the middle of."  Don't worry, we will get a little more light-hearted soon.  I already have plans in my head to share the beautiful stories of children, their perspectives on life and friendship, and the ability to embrace friendships with friends of all abilities.  I look forward to sharing the stories!

You may also want to read the blog post, the day Daddy died