When We Listen, We Change Ourselves

Many times in my adult life I have had people tell me that I am a really good listener.  At times I have been and I am certainly a better listener in my 50's than I was in my 20's. 

I have many regrets in my life when it comes to listening.  There are times I should have been more attentive to my husband telling me how his day was.  I should have listened more to my children as they were going through the teen years instead of worrying about being the perfect parent and keeping my attention there.  I should have been a better listener when I met new people, especially people that have lived a different life than I have.

A few years ago I started thinking about how to be a better listener and it has changed my life and my perspective on people.  I want to consider myself inclusive, but I am constantly reminded of the walls I still build up.  So I challenge myself periodically.  I challenge myself to find someone I don't understand and just sit down and listen to their journey. 

Over the last few years I have been blessed by the company of a variety of people and the more I listened to their story, the more I see what we have in common.  The more I listened to their heart, the more my heart changed. 

Over the last few years:

• I have visited with a young man affected by schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder. 
• I have played with a child with autism and listened to his laughter.
• I have asked a concentration camp survivor to share her story with me.
• I have spent an afternoon with a young man living with a traumatic brain injury.
• I have had a lovely conversation with someone that speaks a different language.
• I have listened to the perspectives of a democrat.
• I have listened to the perspectives of a republican.
• I have asked for advice from a child.
• I have asked someone that uses a wheelchair what are the most hurtful things people do as they interact with him.
• I have bought a meal for a stranger and asked them to tell me their story.

When we listen to others, the barriers are erased.  When we listen to someone else's story, they become a real person with real hurts and feelings.  When we listen, we change ourselves.

Who are you going to listen to this week?

12 More Days Until

Valentine's Day!

I love Valentine's Day!  Over the years Bill and I have often made Valentine's Day a little more like Christmas.    For years at Christmas time we sacrificed presents to each other to allow more budget to spoil the kids.  That meant Valentine's Day was all about spoiling each other!

A number of years have passed and more people have been added to the family.  I have a little more budget and a  little more time so my gift list in February has expanded over the years.

Remember grandma! I no longer have a living grandmother but I revived many memories as I wrote a book about grandmothers.  In the book I share stories and ask questions that will bring back memories for those that read it.  I also offer ideas on things to do with your grandchildren to create a lifelong imprint on their lives.

Give a special gift to your grandmother this Valentine's Day!  

1.  Buy a book and have each of the grandchildren write a note or letter to their grandmother in the front.  They can write what they love about her or a special memory they have.

2.  If you are expecting, buy your mother a book and write a letter in the front telling her why she will be an incredible grandmother or the special imprint she is already making.  

I have copies in my home and would be happy to bring you one or get it shipped off to you.  Email at gracewithoutmargins@aol.com.  You can also order through Amazon or Barnes & Noble.

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Teaching Children About The Dream

Last week I have the privilege of visiting a friend's 3rd grade classroom to speak on Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.  I hope to have the opportunity to honor him every year, especially as the children get farther away in history from the incredible impact he made.

I find history and people fascinating.  I loved sharing the power of history if we touch both the generations before us and those after us.  If I join hands with the children and tell them my stories they can touch history all the way back to the early 1960's.  When I share the stories of my parents, we can go back to the 1930's and if I tell them about my great-grandfather that I knew and loved, they can link to history from the late 1800's. 

The prejudice and cruelty of the 60's is not so long ago.  I can reach back and touch it.  I vaguely remember separate water fountains and restrooms but I vividly remember the rioting I witnessed in Washington, DC.  I remember the pressure to not talk to blacks when I was in school.  I remember the meetings that were held in our neighborhood trying to force our family out because we let people of all races into our home.  I remember participating in the March on Washington and seeing my dad weep the day Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr was shot.

I am grateful for the changes I have seen in my lifetime.  They are huge.  There aren't separate restrooms and water fountains.  People have the right to vote.  They have the right to an education and great opportunities of employment.  We need to celebrate the advancements that have happened due to Dr. King's sacrifice and the sacrifices of many others.  

However, we still have a long way to go!  Our children and grandchildren need to know the pain of the past and the realities of the present.  After I spoke to the 3rd grade class, they had to complete the sentence, "I have a dream..." for themselves.  There were some very honest and vulnerable responses.

What struck me though was the racial tension that exists today was rarely mentioned.  This was a very multi-cultural class so I expected them to say more about it.  In some respects, I am glad racial tension is not huge on their radar, but in other respects, I am saddened.  Do they know that we have a long way to go?  Are we sharing and teaching enough about it?

I guess part of my dream is to never forget the past, to recognize the issues and pain of the present, and to commit to Dr. Martin Luther King's dreams for the future.  We still have so much to do.

Aging Parents and Loss

Bill and I finished teaching our "Aging Parents and Loss" class in December. We love sharing our experiences and the things we have learned.  Our hope is that we can give encouragement and make the journey a little easier for others.

Walking through the journey of aging parents can be hard.  Seeing our parents, the roles in relationships, and the future change can be difficult, but walking right through the middle of those challenges can make the road a little easier.

A couple of weeks ago two people from our class shared the results of using the suggestions we gave in class.  The honest conversations we had gave them permission, in a sense, to go ahead and have the awkward conversations with their parents.  Their conversations went well.  Oftentimes we are all thinking the same thing but are afraid to bring them up.

Another friend shared that he used our tips on "Communicating With Your Hard-of-Hearing Grandparents" and "Communicating With Your Grandchildren."  He sat down with his grandchildren and said, "This is me."  They talked over the suggestions and even had a few laughs along the way.
He also shared that he and his wife wrote a schedule on a chalkboard each day so one of his guests for the holidays would be more comfortable and less anxious about what the day might bring.

Bill and I love teaching this class because we have seen how much easier it is when you have friends that understand the challenges and are walking the road with you.  If you are interested in attending a class or just have some questions, please feel free to contact us.

Bill and Deana Boggess

gracewithoutmargins@aim.com

512-673-0187