Insights Into Aging Parents and Loss

The aroma of an old country church, the soothing creaks of wooden pews, the smiles of old and new friends, and the piety of old Methodist hymns welcomed me to church this morning.  I was home.

I have been working on a training/documentary on Insights Into Aging Parents and Loss.  As I wrote about the life of my father, as well as his death, I realized that I wanted to record the video at the last church my dad served and the church that was pivotal in my spiritual journey.  

When you visit a small town and walk into a little country church, you feel like a celebrity.  It is quite noticeable when there are visitors.  Bill and I were welcomed with smiles, hugs, and warm encouragement.  Lytton Springs United Methodist Church welcomed us with open arms and were excited to hear that their little church would be included in a training video that would reach much farther than their little church in their little town.

Several of the members of the church recalled memories of when my father was the pastor there.  One lady exclaimed, Your dad may have come in a suit but he was country.  He was country.  I had never heard my dad described that way before but it was fitting.

As we started to sing the old Cokesbury hymns I was reminded of my mother's beautiful voice singing those hymns and a few of them reminded me of my grandmother when she would sing.  Towards the end of the service a gentleman showed me that Mom and Dad had donated the hymnals.  I guess Dad wanted the older hymnals to be available and after several songs a woman in the back row yelled out, Pastor Stone taught us to sing these hymns.

Bill graciously handled the lights, camera, and microphone and I prepared to share the story that is dear to my heart.  There are a few more stories to record before we complete the training but my hope is it will give insight for aging parents and loss so your journey will be a little easier.

 
          

Pathways To Hope

A number of years ago God brought a beautiful person into my life.  I only knew him for a short time but he changed me.  He loved the Lord and he struggled with bi-polar disorder and schizophrenia.

Since then I have met friends and acquaintances that struggle with mental illness.  I know some family members that struggle as well.  The struggle in and of itself is hard enough, but the stigma attached to it makes it even more difficult.

Last year I decided that I wanted to learn more about mental illness so I could empathize and be a support to others.  I took a course in mental health first aid (https://www.mentalhealthfirstaid.org/cs/take-a-course/find-a-course/and then went to a conference on mental health.  I am grateful for both experiences.  

The Pathways To Hope Conference will be held in San Antonio and I want to encourage you to attend.  Due to the generosity of donors, the conference is free.  The experience opened my eyes to a great community of people and their struggles, as well as the struggles their loved ones experience.  I hope you will consider attending.

Prevalence of Mental Illness. Approximately 1 in 5 adults in the U.S.—43.8 million, or 18.5%—experiences mental illness in a given year. ... 18.1% of adults in the U.S. experienced an anxiety disorder such as posttraumatic stress disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder and specific phobias.

Mental Health By the Numbers - NAMI
https://www.nami.org/Learn-More/Mental-Health-By-the-Numbers

http://www.pathwaystohope.net

Rule #3: Design For Yourself

Steve Job's rule #3 for success probably has me the most perplexed, "Design For Yourself."  I am not sure what he had in mind exactly, but after a few days of thinking it over I think I know what I need to take from it.

I have often hoped that when I get to heaven God will show me a fast speed video of my life because there are so many things I don't remember.  In college I even stopped a few times to wave to the imaginary camera and commemorate the moment.  When I think about that movie, what fascinates me is not any particular moment or lesson, but the fact that it is impossible for anyone else to have lived that life.  I may run into people that have had similar moments but no one will have lived the exact same life and even if they did, no one would have reacted to it the same way I have.  Our lives are precious and dear to us because they are uniquely ours.

So... I need to live my life uniquely designed for me and as a Christian, I believe the author of my life is God.  I don't need to try to live someone else's life, I need to live mine.  As I serve in ministry, I need to do the same thing.  I seek and pray for God's direction as He guides me.

There are so many things I wish I had known in my 20's that I know now in my 50's.  I wouldn't be self-conscious about my looks, my height, my weight.  I wouldn't desire to have someone else's talents and abilities, I would develop my own.  I wouldn't strive to fill my home up with stuff but I would relax and enjoy everything I have.  I wouldn't strive to be the church's ideal christian, I would keep my focus on God.  I wouldn't try to copy someone else's ministry, rather I would learn as much as I could from a variety of sources.  

Just as a person often has to do a task in a different way because of a disability, I have to do the same.  Bill and I realized a number of years ago how differently we are gifted.  In a presentation I love to tell stories and they often make people laugh or cry.  Bill cannot do that.  Bill, on the other hand, can teach in such a powerful way.  I love how he can teach an anatomy lesson in a way that anyone can understand.  He can take a physical characteristic and explain the associated behavioral response.  I cannot do that.  We have had to design presentations to fit ourselves.

So... how does this pertain to disability ministry?  The scriptures and stories in the Bible have an important lesson to teach us and God longs for us to "serve the least of these."  How that plays out may vary, however.  Your ministry will need to meet the particular needs of your church and will need to adapt to the physical and financial specifics of a church.  As a director you will need to design the ministry to use your gifts in the best way possible and then find people to partner with you that have the gifts you are lacking.  Don't be afraid to have the ministry look a little different than another, just lift the limits and be passionate about it!

Rule #2: Have Passion

Steve Jobs, your second rule of success was, Have Passion.  Passion, now that is a loaded word with a load of definitions, but the definition I am talking about is, any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling (from Dictionary.com).

The first person I thought of when it comes to passion is my mother.  I thought of a number of people but I just kept coming back to Georgia Stone.  

• She went back to college at night from ages 35 -45 to get her bachelors degree...that is passion
• She went to school from ages 50-55 to further her education and become a pastor...that is passion
• She stood between a gang of youth holding a gun and a little boy that said they were going to kill him.  She said, If you are planning to kill him, you will have to go through me first...that is passion
• When her church was set on fire by gang members and the congregation wanted to give up, she told them they had to rebuild and even forgive the gang...that is passion
• When she learned that women are released from jail at 2:00 in the morning with no money and no place to go, she started Woman At The Well House so they could receive education and vocational training and a place to live so they could start a new life...that is passion

I could give hundreds of other examples of Mom's passion but maybe this will sum it up:

ANGEL WINGS

Silently he entered,

loudly the prison doors slammed.

He never thought it would happen,

that he would take the life of a fellow man.

His days will soon be numbered,

either many or very few

Somehow he must face this tragedy,

a nightmare he never knew.

His cell was cold and empty

with no escape from the day’s events

His anguish may last forever,

from his few moments of pain and anger.

In the midst of his silence she enters,

with a Bible and a heart of mercy

The compassion in her eyes brings hope,

to a child in the cell and body of a man.

Behind the glass between then,

she sees a mischievous boy whose mischief

grew to sin, whose sin grew to hatred.

Yet behind him is an angel,

just waiting to give him wings.

The woman sees it clearly,

a boy whose sin cannot be erased by man.

For all mankind is damaged,

by the movement of a trigger in hand.

But with faith and determination,

she reaches the souls of the lost.

For she never met a boy to guilty

for the forgiveness of the Lord’s cross.

Deana Boggess

February 27, 1995

I have learned many things from Mom's passion about people, grace, and forgiveness.  I guess I feel the same way.  At times, however,  I have to work at forgiveness for the people that hurt others, that leave others out just because they have to do something in a different way.  I have to forgive the church when we forget to look at others the way Christ Himself did.  It is my passion for people of all abilities to feel welcomed and valued in the church.  I know I have often failed, but my passion drives me to learn more and strive to be better.  I have a powerful or compelling emotion or feeling for Luke 14:21,23,

21 Go out quickly into the streets and alleys of the town and bring in the poor, the crippled, the blind and the lame.’

23 “Then the master told his servant, ‘Go out to the roads and country lanes and compel them to come in, so that my house will be full. 

Rule #1: Lifting the Limits

I have always loved reading autobiographies and biographies.  The more different a person is from me, the more fascinating I find them.  Steve Jobs is one of the people I have always found intriguing.  He was brilliant, successful, and was committed to his dream.  When he gave a speech or presentation he didn't get in his own way.

Even though Steve Jobs and I have a very different belief system, I know there is much to learn from him.  I have read a couple of books about his life and last night I listened to a powerful commencement speech he gave.  He had his struggles in life, but he was always dreaming and taking risks.

Jobs had 10 Rules For Success and the first one was, Don't Live A Limited Life.  As a Christian I love this one.  As soon as I truly gave God the reigns to my life, the adventure became much more exciting!  When I get in my own way, it limits my life.  When I told God fourteen years ago that I would do whatever He asked of me, the limits were lifted.

Next Sunday I am going to visit a place where I let God lift the limits.  I am going to go back to the last church my father served and make a video of his story to be used in a training.  I was there only one time and that was just a few weeks before my father passed away.  I was very uncomfortable speaking in front of people but on that day, my dad needed me.  He was too weak to give his sermon and asked me to stand and share with the congregation about the ministry Bill and I were involved in.

That Sunday was pivotal in giving up a limited life.

Since then God has taken me on an exciting adventure and I have loved it.  Grace Without Margins is part of that adventure.  It has been a walk of faith to launch and develop the ministry, but I am trying to not put limits on it and trust God with its direction and purpose.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us... Ephesians 3:20

Exciting Changes!

You may have noticed a few changes with Grace Without Margins!  

We are excited about our new logo!

I thought I would give you a little explanation on why we chose the logo we did.  We chose the color blue because it communicates strength, peace, and serenity.  We chose to have the watercolor extending beyond the borders in hopes of diminishing the borders we often have in our churches.  If there are no borders, hopefully there are no margins!  And lastly, we wanted to include the butterfly.  I have used the butterfly to communicate with my students over the years.  During my years of teaching I read the book, The Butterfly Effect by Andy Andrews to my students.  I want them to understand the difference their efforts can make around the world when they welcome people that happen to have a disability into their lives and hearts.

We have also made a number of changes to our website.  We want to provide more help and encouragement to those that are serving in disability ministry or simply want to support a loved one.  Our website is:

www.gracewithoutmargins.com

Bill and I are simple people just trying to do what God has called us to and we are enjoying the journey tremendously!  We have been training churches on location for about six years now but we feel called to make training available online as well.  We are excited to be partnering with ministries in other countries and hope that partnership continues to grow.  The link to view and register for courses is provided below:

www.gwm.digitalchalk.com

We currently have the following courses available:

• Grace Without Margins:  Elements of Disability Ministry
• B.U.D.D.Y. Training
• Autism: Associating Neuroanatomy With Observable Behaviors 

We are working on the following courses to be available in the fall:

• Behavior Management and Classroom Management 
• Insights On Aging Parents and Loss  

We greatly appreciate the number of people that have been so encouraging to us in ministry and have invested in our growth and understanding.  And most of all, we are grateful to the children and adults that have changed our perspectives on ourselves and others over the years.

God's Encouragements

I don't know about you, but I often get discouraged and wonder if I am really doing what God wants.  I question if I have anything to offer that has any meaning.  Just about the time I get discouraged, however, God always sends me something to get my attention, lift my head, and stay the course.  He has done this several times lately.

Several weeks ago I called a woman that was offering a class and that turned into a wonderful conversation, followed by a meeting at Starbucks which led to reading her books and drawing from her skills as a professional author and speech writer.  Her book, My Father's Eyes by Sheila Allee, added a whole new dimension to my perspectives on people affected by disabilities.

This weekend I was blessed to be at a family reunion and be reminded what love is all about.  I especially loved spending time with some family members affected by autism and experiencing the dynamics of the love between them and their parents.

And this afternoon God blessed me once again by allowing me to meet someone in a restroom of all places.  Because of the t-shirt I was wearing, she asked me about special needs ministry.   It turns out she has a new non-profit ministry for families affected by disabilities.  After talking for a few minutes, we are planning to get together and see how we can support each other.

I am reminded so often that God has all kinds of supports and encouragements ready for me.  I just have to pay attention and look for them.

What encouragements has God sent you lately?  Are you looking for them?

Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star

Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star
Wishing to encourage her young son's
progress on the piano, a mother took her boy to a Paderewski concert.  After they
were seated,
the mother spotted an old friend in the audience
and walked down the aisle to greet her.
Seizing the opportunity to explore the wonders
of the concert hall, the little boy rose and eventually
explored his way through a door
marked "No ADMITTANCE."
When the house lights dimmed and the concert
was about to begin, the mother returned to
her seat and discovered that the child was missing.
Suddenly, the curtains parted and spotlights
focused on the impressive Steinway on stage.
In horror, the mother saw her little
boy sitting at the keyboard, innocently picking out
"Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."
At that moment, the great piano master made his entrance, quickly moved to the
piano, and
whispered in the boy's ear
"Don't quit.  Keep playing."
Then, leaning over, Paderewski reached
down with his left hand and began filling
in a bass part.  Soon his right arm reached
around to the other side of the child,
and he added a running obligato.
Together, the old master and the young novice
transformed what could have been a frightening situation into a wonderfully
creative experience.
The audience was so mesmerized that they couldn't recall what else the great
master played.
Only the classic,
"Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star."
Perhaps that the way it is with God.
What we can accomplish on
our own is hardly noteworthy.
We try our best, but the results aren't always
graceful flowing music.  However, with the
hand of the Master, our life's
work can truly be beautiful.

The next time you set out to accomplish great feats,
listen carefully.  You may hear the voice of the
Master whispering in your ear,
"Don't quit.  Keep playing."

May you feel His arms around you and
know that His hands are there, helping you
turn your feeble attempts into true masterpieces.
Remember, God doesn't seem to
call the equipped, rather, He equips the called.
Life is more accurately measured by the lives you touch than by the things you
acquire.  So touch someone by passing this little message along.

-Author Unknown

I have always loved this story, not only because it encourages me not to quit, but it also encourages me to embrace the moment and not stop someone else.  So often children are stopped because something may appear inappropriate.  If we let them continue, as God has designed them, we may end up seeing something even more beautiful.