What is Your Wall?

It has been a very introspective month.  At the beginning of October I was trying so hard to find some time to work on the special needs book.  I felt such a strong calling to get it finished but I also felt God's hand on me telling me to slow down because I have something else to learn.

For the last several weeks our church has been going through a series called "Walls."  We have taken the time to determine where our thinking is off and how it keeps us from being closer to God.  When I took the test on what my wall is, I ended up with the result, PRIDE.  I never really saw myself as struggling with pride. I have always struggled with low self-esteem and lack of confidence.  But God has wanted to reveal to me what my pride is all about.  I have pride in several ways but one of them is being self-sufficient.  I think I can do it all on my own.  I am prideful when I need someone to step in and help.

Well, apparently God has been anxious for me to deal with this pride.  Over the last two weeks, I have missed a week of work, people have brought in meals, cleaned my house, given me money, mowed our yard and showered me with gifts.  This is wonderful and a huge blessing but for someone with pride, it is a little overwhelming.  I have to work through feeling that I have let people down, that I can't keep up, and yes, that I can use some help.

When I was with my brother in his last days, it was fascinating to watch him go through a stage of having one foot in this life and one in the next.  He was so weak he couldn't take care of himself.  He was so tired that he didn't have any strength left and he was completely dependent on others.  I saw strength in him, however, because he was so dependent on God.  He went through a stage of evaluating his life but then he seemed to quickly surrender and trust God with his life.  I think that took more strength than fighting.

Ten days have passed now and yesterday I turned 50.  There is still some fight in me but mostly, I just want to surrender and let God do what God wants to do.  He has a plan for the time I have left.  I don't need to prove anything to myself or anyone else.  I just need to surrender and say, God, I will do whatever you ask of me and I will do it on your strength and not my own.

Instead of evaluating my life by asking "Has my life mattered?" and "Have I accomplished anything?,"
I now want to take everything one step at a time and ask, "God, what do you want me to do today?"
Then I take one step at a time, trusting in God's plan.

We all have challenges and we all have strength to work through our challenges but if we take a step back and rely on God, we will be stronger.